i hate to bring this up.
i hate to remember how it felt.
i hate to make someone feel uneasy.
so first of all, i'm sorry.
this entry is somehow sucking the happiness out of me.
the same it did to a very important person in my life.
this entry will be as vague as possible eventho i hate to say this,
"adif faidz, mendenye???!!!"
betrayal of trust.
in one of the book i read,
trust is like an egg.
u can keep it beautifully, and it will turn to something nice,
be it a chick or fried egg or scrambled wtevs.
but it is also fragile.
once u misplace/misuse it, it will break.
i remembered how it is hard for me to trust anyone after my MRSM years.
lagi-lagi towards boys.
that maybe explain why i am hard to bertegor-sape with boys, even those i know.
unless u guys tegur me first.
with appropriate reasons.
fast foward to my late teens.
just when i thought everything was going great,
everything will turn out fine,
i sensed something fishy.
something is happening behind my back.
something that is was not supposedly you do behind my back.
something i could have approved of.
when the cat's out of the bag,
i remembered how i felt.
i just couldn't breathe.
i feel like killing myself so that one of you would regret it.
i could feel my heart was beating irregularly.
terrible headaches was constantly attacking me.
felt like throwing up every second.
lucky for me, i had known that this things,
it would come.
lucky for me, i pick up hints,
lucky for me, i am a Muslim.
for I, prayed so that I am strong.
prayed so that my friends could bear my emotional tantrums for that time being.
prayed that all hopes is not lose.
prayed that somehow,
i would not cry.
and I did.
what i hope today is that,
nobody will treat others wrongly.
nobody will misuse the trust given to them.
nobody will intentionally make someone cry of sadness.
to that someone important to me ;
i hope, and i pray,
the right side will win.
no matter what.
i love you.